Dear Manufacturers, A Satire

Dear Manufacturers,

Call me a purist, or call me Old Fashioned, but Candy Canes should only be made in the colours of white and red or red and white. Any other colours are just wrong, really wrong. However, there is one exception; if you make Candy Canes in the colours of the Rainbow that would be okay, as that would pi$$ off a lot of Neanderthals.

While I have your attention, there are a few more issues that you need to address:

• You need to remove the words 'Batteries Not Included' from your vocabulary.
• Likewise, you also need to remove 'AC Adapter Not Included' as well.
• It was just brought to my attention that you also need to forget the words 'USB Cable' not included as well.

Now on to the most serious matter, you need to find the person or persons that coined the phrase 'Some Assembly Required'; that person or persons need to be incarcerated for life. Unless of course, the person or persons assemble all of the products made until now and deliver them. Once they have completed that sentence, then and only then can they be given a job at a factory as an assembler under lifetime probation! One more thing, anyone will be allowed to bring in any of their previous purchase that had the 'Some Assembly Required' on them to be assembled or replaced for free by the miscreants that were convicted of that most heinous of crimes.

You are expected to make these issues your highest priority to ensure that the children of the world have the Merriest Christmas EVER!

Respectfully yours,

John Q. Public

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