Finding My Way Home

It's ironic sometimes how the smallest, simplest, most ordinary thing can be the catalyst for the biggest, most dramatic changes in life.  The ringing of a telephone for instance can trigger the most sweeping alterations of all.  It certainly did for me.

It was three o' clock in the afternoon when the phone on my desk rang.  I picked it up and discovered that I had been laid off due to budget cuts.  The boss hated to do it, but someone had to go and the only other employee in my section was the single mother of two children.  She needed the job desperately.  I was married and my wife worked, plus we had a bit of money stashed away to fall back on if we had to.

I cleared out my desk, which took all of about ten minutes.  I drove home to break the news to my wife.  She was a teacher, so I expected her to get home about the same time I did.  I was wrong.  She pulled in at a quarter after five.  Needless to say she was surprised to see me home ahead of her.

"What are you doing here already?" she snapped as she walked in the door.

"I've been here for an hour," I answered.

"Are you checking up on me or something?" she demanded.

"No.  Should I be?"  I didn't understand why she was pulling the attitude.  Before either of us could say anything else, the phone beside me rang.  "Hello," I spoke into the receiver.

"Cameron, this is Dad," my father told me.  "Son, you need to come home, now.  Your mother's been in an accident."

"How…?  What happened?  How bad is it?" I muttered.

"It's bad, son.  Your uncle Wayne was in the car.  He was killed."

"Oh, Dad!" I gasped. "I'm so sorry.  We'll be there as fast as we can."  I hung up the phone and quickly filled Peggy in on what my father had said.

"I've got those damn standardized tests this week," Peggy protested.  "I can't leave the school now."

"Peggy…." I started.

"There is no way.  It's just impossible," she reiterated.  "You go ahead and go without me."

"Ok," I agreed.  I headed for the bedroom to pack a few things, but turned to look at my wife again.  "Peggy, honey, I'm sorry about just now.  I didn't mean to seem like I was intruding on you or something.  I just got home earlier today than I had planned.  I'm sorry," I repeated.

"So am I, Cameron," Peggy told me.  "Take care of yourself, ok?"  There was something strange about the way she said that.  It sounded so final.

I drove the two hours to the town my parents had moved to when Dad had retired from the Navy.  My mother was in intensive care when I got there, but she was still conscious.  Dad looked pretty haggard already.  At the set time, he and I were allowed in to see mom.  She looked up as I walked into the room ahead of Dad.

"Get that bastard out of here!" she wheezed.  "I never want to lay eyes on him again.  He took the only man I ever loved away from me."  Dad and I froze in our tracks.

I wondered if she was hallucinating.  She was looking straight at me as she ranted.  Admittedly, that was something I was well accustomed to from her.  We had never been close.  She began screaming for me to get out.  I turned and left the room quickly.

I sat in the waiting room while Dad visited with Mom.  When he came out, he told me that Mom had requested that I not go in the room again.  She said she never wanted to see me again.  I was stunned.  I knew we had always had our difficulties getting along.  I was never good enough to please her, no matter what I did.  Then again, neither was Dad.

I stayed at the hospital with Dad that night.  He kept watching me when he thought I wasn't noticing.  Some time early in the morning, he realized that I was awake as well.  He told me that he needed to talk to me.  I sat up as he started off by apologizing to me.

"I knew your mother never appreciated you, Cameron," he said.  "I tried to be as comforting as I could, but I see now that I didn't do nearly enough.  I took her side too many times, even when I knew she was wrong.  I never wanted to see just how abusive she was to you.  I never wanted to see anything she did wrong.  I needed her too much."

"It's all right, Dad," I assured him.  "I know you have always loved me.  I love you too.  It had to be hard on you to choose between your wife and your son.  I don't blame you for anything."

"You should, son," he whispered.  He shook his head sadly, and said, "I shouldn't call you that.  I never should have."

"I don't understand, Dad.  What do you mean?"

"Cameron, it's time you learned the truth," Dad announced.  "I told your uncle Wayne the truth and now I am telling you.  I am not your father."

"Of course you are," I contradicted.  "Don't let a few mistakes bother you.  You're my father and I love you."

"I love you more than I ever dreamed possible when I first learned of your existence," Dad said cryptically.  "I have never regretted for a day choosing to take you as my son.  I want you to remember that, Cameron."

"Dad, it's late," I told him.  "Maybe you should wait and talk to me tomorrow."

"No, son, I've put this off for too long already," Dad argued.  "Your mother was already pregnant when I married her."

"So who is my biological father?" I questioned.

"My brother Wayne was your father," Dad answered.  "You are actually four months older than your birth certificate shows."  He smiled a little as he asked, "Do you remember the nickname I used to call you?  I always said you were my little turkey.  That's because you were actually born on Thanksgiving Day."

There are no words to describe how shocked I was to be hearing this from my father… or my uncle, whatever he was.  Suddenly, there was a noise from inside the intensive care unit.  I had no time to think about anything else as the place was suddenly swarming with nurses and doctors.  The doctors came back out a few minutes later and told us that Mom was going soon.   If we wanted to say goodbye, we had better do it quickly.

Dad and I walked into the room together.  Mom was struggling to keep breathing, even with the oxygen machine running.  She started mumbling something the moment she saw me.  I got closer so I could hear her.

"…should have had an abortion."  Those were her last words; spat at me with as much venom as she had always vented in my direction.  She had always hated me.  I had known this all my life.  She had made it abundantly clear as far back as I could remember.  What I had never known until that night was the reason why.

Mom had been in love with Wayne for several years.  They were high school sweethearts.  When she turned up pregnant, he had dumped her like yesterday's garbage.  Neither set of parents had wanted her to have an abortion, so it was arranged for her to marry the man I knew as Dad.  He was in the Navy and stationed in Japan.  They wed while he was home on furlough, and she moved back to Okinawa with him, where I was born.  Halfway across the globe, it had been easy to find a Japanese midwife who would lie about the date of the birth, for the right amount of American money, of course.

We moved back to the States when I was a freshman in high school.  Dad was transferred to a base near his old hometown. Wayne still lived there.  Dad had hoped that my mother's feelings had changed.  They hadn't.  If anything, they were stronger.  She was miserable to discover that her true love was with another woman.

Once we were somewhat settled in, Uncle Wayne and his girlfriend, Crystal, had come over for a visit.  Mom was more cold and harsh than I had ever seen her up to that point.  Crystal broke down in tears at one point and ran out of the room.  Uncle Wayne stayed in the room, talking to my parents as if nothing had happened.  I snuck out to talk to the woman, who was barely older than me.  If anyone knew what it was like to get the ice treatment from my mother, it was me.

I saw Crystal sitting on the steps outside and went to join her.  I tried to explain that my mother was like that with everyone and that she shouldn't take it personally.  She didn't look convinced.

"She doesn't even like me, and I'm her own kid," I pointed out.

"She must like you.  How could any mother not like a good looking, smart, and sensitive guy like you?"  Crystal asked me with a hint of a smile.  "If I hadn't met your uncle first, I could have really gone for you.  Who knows, we might have made a better couple seeing as how I am a lot closer to your age than his."

"I don't see anything wrong with liking someone older," I told her.  "Not that I am putting moves on my uncle's girl or anything," I added quickly.  She just laughed a bit.

"That's ok, Cameron," she told me.  "I understand what you meant.  You're like me; you go for the older more experienced type."

"Yeah, that's what I meant," I agreed.

Crystal and I sat and talked for a few more minutes before she decided to go ahead and go home.  She caught a taxi and didn't even bother to say goodbye to my folks, or Uncle Wayne.  He left an hour or so later.  My mother's mood had improved somewhat after Crystal had left, but once Uncle Wayne was gone; she was back to her usual self.

I had never had many friends in Okinawa as I didn't seem to fit in that well with the other Navy brats.  My only true friend was the old Japanese man who lived next door to us in our off base apartment.  He was like a grandfather to me, and was my favorite babysitter as a child.  As I grew up, he trained me in the ways of martial arts.  Just before I moved back to the U.S., he told me that he had trained me as well as he could.  He performed a ceremony in which he named me as his heir, and then gave me his own sword.  Dad had to pull some strings and call in quite a few favors to get my sword on the plane with me to the U.S.  My other weapons had to be packed into the shipping crates and sent over by freight.

I didn't fit into high school in America any better than I had the Navy schools in Japan.  I was painfully shy.  I managed to make one friend my age; a girl named Janice, and one boy a couple of years younger than me whom I knew by the nickname Scooter.  I lost touch with them after I graduated from school though.  Janice went on to college, but not the same one I attended.  Scooter of course stayed behind to finish high school.

I had met Peggy while in college.  She and I seemed to get along well enough.  We had similar goals, or at least I had thought we did at the time.  Unfortunately, we weren't as good a match as we thought we would be.  Within a year of our marriage, she was a different person.  Maybe I was too, I don't know.  I just know that she seemed to be more distant and cold than I remembered her being before we had gotten married.

Things got gradually worse between us over the next several years, building up to the night of my mother's death.  When I had called home to tell her that Mom was gone, she wasn't home.  I thought that was odd, but I couldn't think it through then.  I took Dad home, and spent the night in my old room.  The next morning, Dad and I had arrangements to make for two funerals.  It was the afternoon before I got the chance to call at the school to talk to Peggy.  Without really thinking about it, I neglected to tell them who I was when the school secretary had answered.  She said Peggy had taken some time off because of a family emergency and would be out of town for a few days.

I left Dad at home and drove back to my house.  When I got there, Peggy was not at home.  I went inside and discovered that quite a bit of our belongings had been removed from the house.  When I investigated further, I discovered that all of her clothes were missing.  I finally found a note from her on the kitchen counter.

I thought that at that point I had reached the lowest point in my life.  There really are times that I shouldn't think.  Life did indeed get worse.  My dad just couldn't get used to life without her.  I think he couldn't get past the guilt of all the mistakes he believed he had made.  I tried my best to convince him that he had nothing to feel badly about as far as I was concerned, but it was no use.  He died two months after my mother and biological father were buried.  I now had to deal with all of the complications of my entire family dying.  I inherited quite a sum of money from Wayne, as I was his only heir.  My parents' estate was smaller, but large enough to support me through my idea of resuming my education.

Since my mother's death, I had been staying with my father at their home.  After he passed away, I felt no connection to that house or any of the new furnishings my mother had bought while I had been in college and married.  None of the furniture or décor from my home in Okinawa had been left.  She wanted nothing to remind her that she had been there.   None of the furnishings remained that had been in the house when I had lived there as a teenager in high school either.  With nothing to hold me there, I sold the place and decided to move into an apartment near the university I would be attending an hour or so away from my parents' home and three hours away from Peggy.  It just happened to be in the same town as the offices for the computer company I had inherited from my uncle/father as well.

The day I moved in it really hit me hard that I was alone now. My parents were gone; my uncle who was really my father was dead before I got the chance to really get to know him that well; and my final divorce papers had been delivered that day.  I slumped against the wall crying. As the crying became sobbing, I slid down the wall into a little ball rather like the fetal position. I had forgotten that I'd left the front door open as I came in with my last load from the car.

"Hey, you must be the new neighbor," a voice called from the open doorway. I jumped up and tried to wipe away the tears. I guess I couldn't hide them too well. "You okay, kiddo?"

I laughed. At 32, it had been a while since I had been called a kid. "I'm alright. Really, thanks." I looked at my new neighbor. I guessed him in his late forties. He was a little overweight, but it looked good on him. I have always kind of liked people who were on the heavy side. He looked like he could give really great hugs. I sighed a little, thinking about how long it had been since I'd had one of those.

"Hey, don't go getting down again. You were laughing just a second ago. You should laugh more; it brings out the twinkle in your baby blues." He suddenly seemed embarrassed and looked away. "I'll let you get back to unpacking. See you around, neighbor."

I didn't know why, but I didn't want him to leave yet. "Wait, I didn't get your name," I called.

"Edan." It was a short response, but it did slow him for a moment.

"My name's Cameron," I said. That finally stopped him. I guess he realized I wasn't going to let him leave yet.  "Edan is a very cool name.  If memory serves it's Celtic and means full of fire.  Have you lived here long?"

            "You are the first person I have ever met that knew that off the top of your head," Edan marveled.  "It isn't exactly a very common name.  In answer to your question, though, I have been a couple of years now."

"That's great, because I was wondering if you could recommend a good place to eat. All this unpacking has me famished."

"Depends on what you like," he answered.

"Salt me a doorknob, man. I'm starving."

He started laughing instantly. "Salted doorknobs? I don't think I've heard of that one before. You might have trouble finding a restaurant with those on the menu." He took a few steps back in my direction.

I was suddenly struck with one of my revelations. That's what I call them anyway. They're something like a premonition. I will actually see a scene as if I'm actually there that tells me something about a person.  I looked closely at him for a moment, and then said, "You're a teacher, aren't you?"

"How did you know that?" he asked with a bit of surprise.

"I can't explain it. I just knew." I thought that I knew something else about him as well, but that would have to wait and see. My mind suddenly flashed an image of the two of us snuggled under a blanket in front of a fire.  There was soft romantic music playing in the background, and as I watched myself in front of the fire, I threw off the blanket revealing that we were both naked. Whoa! Where did that image come from?

"You okay?" I heard him ask. "You faded out there for a second."

"Yeah, I do that sometimes. Sudden little daydreams, I guess."

"It must have been a good one. You sure smiled when it hit you." My face flamed instantly. "Oh, one of those daydreams, huh?" he asked with a mischievous grin. My face went even redder. He laughed out loud. I suddenly realized I wanted to hear him laugh again. He had one of those jolly, musical, spirit-lifting, contagious laughs. I smiled again. "See there, that looks much better on you than that long face and those tears." I blushed a little again and said thanks.

"Since I'm new in town, do you think you could come to eat with me and show me around a bit?" I had no idea why, but I just didn't want to part company yet. "My treat," I added. "You could be my personal tour guide."

"I don't think you'll really need a tour guide in this little burg. There's not that much to see."

"Aww, come on, please. I hate to eat alone in a strange place." I couldn't believe it. I sounded like a little kid. What was going on with me?

"Well, if it bothers you that much, I guess I could spare the time. I'm a little hungry myself. No doorknobs for me, though, okay?"

"Deal," I said with a laugh.

"So what brings you to our fair little hamlet, Cameron?" Edan asked over dinner.

"I'm going to be starting school here in a week or so," I replied. "I was working as an engineering technician, but I have decided to go back to school and get my architectural degree.  I have always wanted to be a writer as well, so I am doing a double major of Architecture and English."

"We'll see each other fairly often then. I teach philosophy at the college. We have a pretty good Architectural program and an excellent English department. You'll be in good hands." I suddenly found myself wanting to be in his hands. I had to get a grip on myself. Was I going crazy?

The rest of the way through dinner I kept staring at him. I don't know if he didn't notice or just didn't care. I couldn't stop myself. We seemed to hit it off really well. We had a lot in common. We both loved old movies, especially Katherine Hepburn, John Wayne, and Maureen O'Hara. Our favorite movie was The African Queen. I told him I had a copy, but had to leave it behind when I moved.  Actually, Peggy had taken it when she moved out.

"Here comes that long face, again," he observed. "Want to talk about it? I'm a pretty good listener."

"I moved here because my wife left me," I blurted. There was a sudden rush of relief as I realized that I was able to talk about it with someone. "She didn't want to be married anymore. She even said that I would appreciate it someday."

"Why would she say that?"

"I don't know. She got it into her head somehow that I might be gay. I don't know where that idea could have come from. We were married for seven years. I wanted sex more than she did." Then I said something I had never admitted even to myself. "I guess she might have had some basis, though. I only fantasize about guys." I couldn't believe I had said that, and to a near stranger no less. I jumped up from the table and ran to the men's room. I started crying again. This time I didn't even know why. Edan came in right behind me. "I'll take you home, now. I'm sure you don't want to be around a fag any longer than necessary."

"Why don't you let me decide who I want to be friends with?" I looked up at him from the floor where I was cradling my knees. "Crying does not look good on that cute face of yours. Where's that smile?"

"Did you just say my face is cute?" I whispered.

"Yes, I did. It is, you know." He held out his arms for a moment and said, "Come here. You look like a little boy who needs a hug." I felt like a little boy who needed a hug. I stood up and walked to him. His arms wrapped around me and held me tight against his chest while I started crying again.

"I don't know what's going on in my own head. I've never told anyone about my fantasies before. I couldn't even admit them to myself."

"It's alright. Give yourself some time. You'll figure it all out as you go along. I'll be here to listen anytime you need an ear, okay?" I could only nod. "I understand a lot better than you think." I looked at him and he nodded. "I've been there, too. It will take time, but you'll be alright." He squeezed a little tighter and started to let go.

"Don't let go yet. I really needed this," I said. "The moment I saw you, I knew you would give great hugs. I was right." We both smiled. It was right about then that I noticed that the close contact was having a physical effect as well as emotional. I was getting hard as a rock and so was Edan. I looked at him with my most mischievous grin and said, "Do you think we could finish this hug at home?"

"Are you sure you're ready for that big of a step?" Edan asked with concern.

"As long as I've got you there, I'm ready for anything." I smiled, and then said, "I've got to get on with my life now that I know where it needs to go. Do you believe in love at first sight, Edan?"

"I didn't until I saw you." I leaned forward and our lips brushed. I couldn't believe I was kissing a man and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. I wanted more. I kissed him again and this time our lips lingered. "We definitely need to finish this at home," he said. We were both grinning as we went back out and I paid for our meal.

I drove back home as quickly as I could.  While I was driving, Edan reached over and rested his hand on my thigh.  He began to slowly rub his hand over my leg, moving closer to my crotch.  I heard a low moan and realized that it had come from me.

His hand reached my zipper and he squeezed my manhood through my jeans.  I almost wrecked the car.  I hadn't felt pleasure like this in a long time.  Peggy had stopped wanting sex over a year ago.  Nothing I had tried could convince her to change her mind.  I had finally resorted to jerking off, but that wasn't very satisfying any more.  I wasn't some horny little teenage virgin.  I'd had the real thing and I wanted more.  She had relented one night not long before she left, but she had been drinking heavily that night.

We stopped at a red light and I turned to look at my passenger.  Edan was looking directly into my eyes with a come hither stare that was unmistakable even for someone who was a little out of practice.  I found myself leaning towards him.  Our lips brushed lightly then pressed in for more.  The passion was overpowering.  I felt his lips part and simultaneously our tongues reached out to embrace one another.  Our moment was blasted apart by the sound of a horn from the car behind us.  The light had changed.

I drove the rest of the way to the apartment complex in a daze.  I couldn't believe what I was doing.  Eight months ago I was married and settled into the life I was supposed to have.  I had a good job with a promising future, two cars, a nice house with a twenty-year mortgage; in short, I had the American dream.  Then my dream became a nightmare.  My mother and uncle died as a result of a terrible car accident.  My wife had moved out and divorced me.  My office downsized and I was cut from the staff. Topping that off had been the death of my father, the last of my family, on the same day that the divorce papers had arrived.

Tears started to roll down my cheeks as I thought of all that I had lost in the last few months.  Edan saw them and asked if I was all right.  I tried to say yes, but the tears betrayed me.  I finally confessed that I was depressed about the way my life had been going.  I told him the whole story behind my mother's death with my uncle. I explained the circumstances of my marital breakup.  Then I talked about my job, and finally, my dad's passing.

Edan leaned over, put his arm around my shoulder, and pulled me close to him.  The hug was just what I needed.  I rested my head on his shoulder as we pulled up in front of the apartments.  Neither of us moved nor spoke for several minutes.  The silence was heavy with compassion and friendship.  Edan finally kissed my forehead and sat up a little straighter.

"I find you incredibly sexy, Cameron.  You are everything I want, and I want you very badly," he began.  "But, right now, you've got a lot of hurt and anger to deal with.  This is not the time that you should be making this drastic a step in a new direction for you.  I want to be so much more to you, but for now, what you need is a friend, not a lover."

"I don't understand," I stammered.  "What happened in the restaurant…."

"What happened in the restaurant was the reaction of two bodies being close.  It was very nice and I hope to pursue it further someday, but this isn't the right time."  He opened his door, but he didn't step out yet.  "I can't say it will be easy for either one of us, but we need to take this slowly.  Thanks for dinner, neighbor.  If you need anything, even if it's just an ear to rant and rave into or a shoulder to cry on, remember that I'm only two doors down."  He got out and walked up the stairs and into his apartment without looking back.

I sat in the car for a few minutes staring at his door.  The events of the day replayed in my mind repeatedly.  I smiled as I remembered the physical pleasure I had felt on the way home as he squeezed and stroked me through my jeans.  I looked down and realized that I was getting hard again, harder than I had ever been.  I started aching to get out of the pants and get some relief.  I finally got out of the car and headed upstairs to my own door.

Once inside, I looked around briefly at the piles and stacks of boxes, shrugged, and headed for the bathroom.  Unpacking could wait until tomorrow.  I started the shower and got undressed.  As soon as the water was warm, I stepped in and sighed as I felt the pulsing massage of the shower across my neck and shoulders.  I closed my eyes as I felt the waters running down my back and chest.  I began to imagine what it would be like to have someone in the shower with me; to have Edan in the shower with me.

My hand slowly inched around my side and down to my erection.  I was touching myself, but in my mind it was Edan's hand on my tool, not mine.  I began to shake and jerk all over as I exploded from the pleasure of the release.  My knees buckled and slid down the wall onto the floor of the tub.

I had never felt such intense passion when I was with her.  I realized that my sex life with her had been very one sided.  I forced my own wants and desires out of my mind and had done only those things that I thought would please her.  I had to keep her happy so she would stay with me.  I was terrified of myself and of the lust that I felt for men.  I remembered her parting words at the courthouse the day of the divorce decree.

"You would be the best lover in the world if you were doing it because you wanted to," Peg had told me.  "You pleased me in ways that I didn't know were possible, but it was so mechanical.  I want a man to want me.  I want him to get pleasure as well as me."  That was also when she decided to reveal that she had moved in with my best friend from work when she had moved out of our house.

She had been right, of course.  The lack of passion on my part was our real undoing.  Illogically, I had blamed her for my unhappiness.  It was as if on some level I was mad at her for not being what I truly wanted.  I took my frustrations out on her.  I criticized her for every little thing. 

She responded in kind, naturally.  I became the scapegoat for everything that happened contrary to her wishes.  In short, we made each other miserable.  The thing was, I would have stayed there becoming more and more unhappy with her and my life had she not acted.  I can't say she went about it the right way, though.  I would have felt better if she had just thrown me out, I think.  Choosing my best friend from work to shack up with was adding insult to injury.

I was startled back to the present by the now icy water of the shower.  I shivered as I shut the off the spray and grabbed a giant bath towel to wrap around myself. I staggered stiffly to my bedroom and went to bed. 

The next morning I got up and began unpacking my belongings and arranging my new home.  By that evening I had worn myself out with trips down memory lane every time I opened a new box of stuff from my former life.  The last thing I had gotten to was my clothes.

I desperately wanted to take a nice long walk to clear my head, but I knew it would be safer if I were wearing something bright colored at night.  The only problem was that I couldn't find anything.  I had never had a very colorful wardrobe.  I seemed to be most comfortable in darker colors.

I finally gave up looking for bright clothes and settled on a new outfit I had just bought as a present for myself.  They were black exercise pants that had snaps all the way from the waist to the ankle of both sides.  The lines of snaps were set off by red stripes on each side of the division.  To go with this, I had purchased a tight t-shirt that was black in the back.  The front of the shirt was red with a black tie dye effect.  I put them on and stood in front of the mirror for a moment.

I didn't have the greatest body in the world, but I had to admit that I looked pretty good in this.  I was 32 years old, but had been blessed to have a boyish face.  I was still getting carded at the bars and liquor stores.  I was constantly told that I looked seventeen.  I was finally old enough now to take it as a compliment.  I had dirty blond hair without a sign of gray or white yet which I kept in the time honored "part on the side cut" that little boys wear.  The tight t-shirt did wonders for my thin frame of 145 lbs.  At 5'10" and in this outfit, I really did look younger than my actual years.

I stepped out the front door and turned around to lock it when I caught sight of Edan doing the same thing.  He looked my way, but it was obvious he didn't recognize me.   He kept staring at me.  He began walking toward me.  I just smiled and turned to walk away.

"Hey, kid, wait up," Edan called out.  I grinned at the thought that he really didn't know who I was.  "Where are you going, Cameron?"  Well, so much for that idea.  If he recognized me, why had he stared?  Could he have been thinking what I so wanted from him.

"I'm just going to go for a walk," I called back.  Would he offer to come with me?  I certainly hoped so.

"You know, you really should wear brighter clothes to walk at night."  I could feel my hopes as they were crushed against the rocky cliffs of a distant shore.  "Would you like company, or is this a walk to clear your head?"  I turned suddenly, looked into his face, and my heart pounded and raced in my chest.

"YES!" I practically screamed, then realized how desperate I must have sounded. "I mean, I don't mind if you want to come along."  I blushed at my eagerness, and I noticed that he saw my embarrassment in the dim lights of the parking lot.

"You sure are cute when you blush," Edan mused aloud. I had heard him, but I wanted to make sure I had heard correctly. I asked him to repeat it, and he did, causing my face to flame again.  He then said, "You look really hot in those clothes.  You look like you're about seventeen years old."  This time I looked down at the ground, still red in the face.  "Look at me.  You have got to learn to take a compliment.  I wouldn't have said it if I didn't believe it was true."

"Do you really think I'm cute?" I asked, still blushing a bit.  "I've never had anyone tell me that before.  My ex-wife never really liked my looks.  She said the male body was the ugliest creation on Earth, and that it's only redeeming quality was that it was functional for the purpose for which it was designed," I tried to laugh a little as I said that, but Edan didn't see the humor.

"If that witch hurt you this bad, then she didn't deserve you to begin with."  Edan had tears forming in the corners of his eyes.  "You are a wonderful, sensitive, caring man with a lot of love to give, and anyone who can't see that is either blind or stupid.  Which she has to be to think that this body could ever be called ugly," he added as he looked me over from head to toe.

I grabbed Edan and gave him the biggest, tightest bear hug I could manage.  I felt so natural wrapped in his arms and he in mine.  It was as if with him I finally felt whole, complete.  I knew I was where I was meant to be all of my life.  When we broke apart from one another, I looked deeply into his eyes.

"Edan, do you remember when I asked you if you believed in love at first sight?"  I didn't wait for his answer.  "I wasn't sure if I did or didn't at that time, but I am sure of it now.  I love you.  I feel so different when we are together."

"How so?" he asked.

"It's as if my whole life has been spent looking for this missing part of myself.  I was so miserable living all these years without it.  I have spent my whole life hiding what I really wanted just so I could live up to everyone else's expectations for me."  I realized that my hands were shaking as I spoke.  I tried to hide them, but Edan was too quick.  He grasped them and held them to his chest.  I could feel his heart beating as rapidly as my own.  "When I saw you that first time, I felt something stirring within me.  I could feel it building inside me, filling the gap I had felt so long.  I can face what I am now, and what I want, what I need to make me truly happy."

I grabbed Edan and drew him into a tight hug.  I reveled in the rush of adrenaline, the electric tingles shooting up and down my spine.  I felt my breathing slow as I crushed my face into his ample chest.  I knew to the very core of my soul that I wanted to stay in his arms forever, and I told him so.

"You are the missing part of my heart, my soul mate," I whispered, still squeezing him to me and myself to him, as if my very life depended upon his touch.

"God, that is so beautiful.  I am so moved, so touched.  I don't know what to say."  Tears were flowing down Edan's face freely now.  I turned my face upwards and began kissing them away.  "I feel the same way.  I can't believe I'm saying this after all these years alone, but I can't imagine the rest of my life without you there to share it."

"Are you saying…." I couldn't finish.  My emotions got the better of me.  Tears were coming from my eyes as well.  I started breathing raggedly and I began to sob softly.

"I'm saying I love you, Cameron.  I knew it the moment I saw you sitting on the floor in your apartment crying.  I wanted so much to take you into my arms and hold you until you stopped crying.  It crushed me to see you upset."

"Why didn't you?" I queried.  If only I had known then.

"I saw the wedding picture you were looking at.  I was certain you were straight, and didn't want to frighten or anger you."  Edan's voice was shaking with emotion.  I hugged him even tighter.

"I could never get angry at you, my love, my heart.  It's as if you're a part of me, the best part.  You believe in me, and love me for who I am, not the person you're trying to change me into."   I paused as I realized as if for the time that we were in the park at night alone.  "You are the best thing that could ever happen to me. Let's go back to my place and continue this shall we?"

"I would follow you to the ends of the earth, my love.  I never want to be away from you again."  We held hands as we began walking slowly back to my apartment.  We hadn't gone far when we realized that we were being followed.  A couple of grungy looking teenagers were right behind us.  Edan started to release my hand, but I wouldn't let his go.  After a few minutes of this, I got fed up with it and turned around to confront the punks.

            "All right, guys.  What is it?" I growled.

"You two fags are going to give us all your money, that's what!" one of them sneered.  "You won't enjoy the consequences otherwise."  He was very much into the grunge look.  The pants he wore would have fit around Edan and I both.  There were heavy chains hanging and dangling all over him and he had numerous body piercings.  His hair, had it been clean, would have had an orange color over his forehead and purple down the sides.  There was an obviously hand rolled cigarette of some type in his mouth.

"I don't think I like your tone of voice."  I spoke calmly, but there was sufficient ice in my tone to let them know that I was indeed serious.  "It looks like I will just have to give you an attitude adjustment."  

I was finished in minutes.  The fight had been both easier than I anticipated, and more surprising.  Grunge boy was a better fighter than I had thought, but he was no match for me.  He could have been better still had he kept his concentration on me.  He diverted energy and thought to protect the other boy.  It was a mistake that he paid for soon enough.  Before either boy realized what was happening, the big mouth was lying on the sidewalk unconscious.   The only visible damage I had done was to give him a bloody nose and mouth.  The other kid had seen his comrade go down quickly and had dropped to his knees begging for mercy.  I hadn't even touched him yet.

"How did you do that?" Edan whispered in awe.

"My dad was in the navy.  My childhood and early youth was spent in a little village near Okinawa, Japan.  I am well beyond the level of black belt.  My next-door neighbor was an authentic samurai. He had no son or grandson to pass his line to, so he adopted me, so to speak.  He taught me all he knew about his discipline," I explained.  It was at this moment I really looked at the younger boy who still sat on his hands and knees on the sidewalk shaking with fear.  He wasn't as into the punk look as the other kid seemed to be.  In fact, if it weren't for the fact that he was dirty, he would be a nice looking kid.  "Get up, short stuff.  I won't hurt you, unless you give me a reason to."

"Thank you, sir.  I promise I won't give you no trouble."  He then wiped his runny nose on the already filthy sleeve of the jacket he wore.  It had more holes than fabric.  I looked into the kid's face and felt something stir in me.  There was something about this boy.  He didn't belong on the streets.

"What's your name?" I asked him.  I felt a tug at my heart for this boy.  I guessed that he was no more than 14.  I couldn't help wondering where his parents were, and if they knew where he was.

"I'm Derek."  His voice was still a little shaky with fear of me I assumed.  I had to find a way to put him at ease.

"Well, Derek," I began, "I am Cameron and this is Edan.  Why were you trying to rob us?"

"I didn't want to," he answered.  "We had to.  Blade's got a rep to protect."

"Where are your parents, Derek?" Edan asked.  "Why aren't you with them?"

"Fuck them, man, and fuck you too if you try to send me back to them."  He turned and helped the other boy up as he was just coming around.  They stormed away before either of us could stop them.  I stood and stared after them for a long time without speaking.  I finally stirred when Edan reached out and tugged on my shirt.

"Let's get out of here," he said quietly.  "I want to go home and properly thank my hero," he added with a wink.

I was suddenly amazed how powerful that tiny little gesture can be.  With just that little movement of his eyelid, Edan had me from cold confusion to hot passion in less than six seconds.  I grabbed his hand again and we quickly headed back to my apartment.